Monday, August 10, 2009

Home from the hospital!

I've actually been home a few days, but it's taken me some time to sort out my feelings about the whole thing and be able to take a bit of a step back from it all.

I only ended up being in the room itself for about 24 hours, something for which I am very grateful - it's highly unusual to be there for such a short amount of time. They were able to induce a seizure and other "events," as they called them (an aura, partial body convulsions, etc.), and no abnormalities were found on the brain monitor, which lead them to a diagnosis of non-epileptic seizures of psychosomatic origin.

Now. Those are the facts of the thing.

I don't think this diagnosis would have been so frustrating if I hadn't already spent four years having these things constantly being written off as nothing, as originated from stress, as something that I could control, as something that wasn't at all dangerous and so on and so forth - getting this opinion from "regular" people and doctors alike. The other frustration is that, while this isn't as dangerous as, say, epilepsy (no oxygen-starved brain, for instance), aside from maybe more therapy and guided meditation, there's really not a damn thing I can do about it.

Which is exactly what I had feared. That, in the end, I'd be left with really not a whole lot that I could do.

But hey, at least they didn't have to torture me for more than those 24 hours, right? Breaking veins in an attempt to give me an IV and depriving me of sleep? (The second was intentional; the first, obviously, was not. That was just my veins being totally made of fail. For real, they suck.) They tested me for Celiac's disease (gluten intolerance) for a possible explanation of my stomach problems, which I thankfully do not have. Sure it would have been nice to have an explanation, but not to the extent that I could never have bread or pasta or beer ever again. (Not that I drink much beer, but hey, the option is nice.)

A positive thing is the Mad Men-viewing my mom and I did and have continued to do in the days that followed. It really does live up to all the hype. It's one of the best and most complex TV shows I've ever seen, with wonderful and delightfully subtle characterization, compelling plot lines (though that's totally not why I watch), and sumptuous costumes. I also discovered while watching it that I have already been in academia way too long, as any episode I watched, I felt an essay forming its way into my head as I thought about it. I think in essay format now, whether it's about a book I just read or an episode of Mad Men (or far less highbrow television, for that matter.) This is leading me to believe that pop-culture criticism may actually be what I want to do, and where I really fit in. Listening to an album, looking at a fashion collection, watching a TV show, I can hear the essay formulating in my head. It's crazy...it just seems to be what my brain wants to do and where it wants to be.

So that's a good thing to discover, I think. Speaking of which, I'm planning some Project Runway looks analysis (and gushing), season-by-season. It's been in the works for awhile and I'm excited. Not as excited as I am for the return of the show, but excited. It'll be more gushy than anything else, but it'll be pretty bitchin. No doubt about that.

I have conflicting feelings about going back to school, too, but for right now it's something I'd really rather not think about. I'll just try to enjoy the rest of the time I have left at home, and take it all in.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Last day of freedom!

Well, not quite. But sort of.

Yes, I ship out to the hospital tomorrow for God knows how long. I'm mostly packed up (all clothes that I can button or pull up, nothing that has to go over my head, since I'll have electrodes on my head...lucky I have so many dresses, I guess), and books and DVDs. A coworker of my mom's is lending us at least the second season of Mad Men and maybe the first (she lent it to someone else), Evie is lending me her second and third seasons of Queer as Folk. She's planning to visit me one of the days I'm there, too.

I'm really hoping that the weather will either be cold and gross, or so unbearably hot that I would be miserable being out in it anyway. Because it's actually been pretty nice out lately - for pretty much the first time all summer - and having to be inside through it will make me even more cranky than I normally would be. I have such a complex about summer time - we get so little nice, warm, sunny weather where I am that I feel like I have to take advantage of EVERY MINUTE when it's nice out (even if I don't) and I don't want that to be pissing me off while I'm in the hospital. I won't be able to go outside or even leave my room.

And of course I'll be VIDEOTAPED the whole time! (Except for in the bathroom, obviously.) That won't feel awkward AT ALL. And I also might have a roommate. (Please, God, don't let me have a roommate. Please oh please.)

I'll have wireless there, too, so I'll probably be blogging about all the crazy shit that will ensue. (In addition to taking some pictures of my electroded head - seriously, it's something to behold. I look like some kind of cracked-out, electricity-savvy Medusa.)

Exciting, exciting. It'll give me something to blog about, anyway. Not a whole let else going on in my life...which is not such a terrible thing, really. Not at all.

Sayonara, friends!

Sunday, July 12, 2009

Well...

The epilepsy clinic I went to on Monday was quite a good and helpful appointment - the doctor seemed really great and was really thoughtful and thorough. He recommended I do a long-term evaluation which they ended up setting up for August 4. Basically, for about 5-10 days (unless they can induce a seizure earlier) I'll be in a wee room, with a little bathroom, only able to move within said room and not allowed to shower, with electrodes on my head. While they stress my body. Probably by depriving me of sleep and food.

JOY!

The good news is, though, that if they induce a seizure they'll be able to tell, pretty conclusively, what is is: if there's something abnormal in my brain waves and, if so, where it is; and if not, they'll know pretty conclusively that it's psychogenic (or part of a metabolic disorder or something.)

Also on Monday, the hammock collapsed under me, which led to me screwing up my back and getting a bump on the back of my head. Also fun. Also joyful.

Also, strangely, for the last two nights in a row I've had dreams about people from my past - exes of a certain sort, people I haven't thought about in quite a while. It was rather unsettling...probably doesn't mean much of anything other than that I'm really, really lonely, and definitely in a romantic capacity. That's been a void that I've been longing to fill for awhile now and there are so many things that I've left unfinished, and all these people with whom I feel like I have unfinished words, unfinished actions. It's hard to let go when a clean break hasn't been made and my life doesn't really seem to lend itself to clean breaks.

In any case, on Wednesday I will officially leave my teenage years behind and THAT, my friends, is something to celebrate, to be sure. 20s, here I come.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Back from New York!

Well, I actually got back on Monday night, but...whatever.

New York was still awesome, as New York is, but not quite as fabulous as usual. We arrived Wednesday evening which was, y'know, just fine and all, and we had dinner somewhere that must have been unremarkable, since I remember nothing about it. Friday, however, was when the hijinks truly began - namely, hijinks surrounding electricity.

The power went out. The shower was failing to work very well and although we had hot water, we had no idea how long it would last. The power was working in the building, just not the apartment we were staying in - which led to long and confusing interactions with the owner of the building, the person who rents the apartment, the super, etc, etc. Seeing as it was about 85 degrees that day (and my body has been running really hot lately - I can't seem to get cool enough), we had to end up staying in a hotel and Thursday basically became a wasted day. Unfortunately, said hotel was over a subway and so we didn't end up getting much sleep anyway.

Friday was a Met day, which was amazing as ever - my mom and I did the Francis Bacon exhibition with headphones, which was seriously freaking awesome. It was one of those great things we just wandered into but ended up being so incredible. We also went to the Models as Muses exhibit (the actual reason I really wanted to go to the Met, if we're being perfectly honest here), which was also incredible, but crowded and loud. The sets around the clothes, the photographs, and the music was all stunningly chosen - the 60s mod era had "My Generation" playing, the late-80s-early-90s-supermodel era had George Michael's "Freedom" video playing, the grunge era had "Smells Like Teen Spirit," and so forth.

I think I need some pictures of models here now.

Miss Christy Turlington, who appears in the "Freedom" video, among others:


Ms. Lauren Hutton:


Miss Twiggy, of course. Sweet Jesus, look at those eyes.


Miss Kate Moss. I love her and don't care what anyone says.


Anyway.

My brother also came in Friday night and was there till Sunday (and he'll be here again tomorrow! yay!) Saturday I saw Allison and Lianna (yay again!) and that evening hung out in the Meatpacking District, one of the few Manhattan neighborhoods I haven't spent a lot of time in, and I LOVED it.

And Sunday was, of course, Pride. We went to Midtown to watch it and, well, holy shit. Just amazing. The combination of the 40 years after Stonewall floats and the Michael Jackson music playing out of them actually got me a little bit teary-eyed over both. And I saw Miss Jaslene Gonzalez again, this time on top of a float, proving that I am fated to run into her every time I'm in New York. Work it, ChaCha Diva.

Monday was our last day, so we didn't do a whole lot. Overall, it wasn't the greatest trip. My body was seriously uncooperative, which led to some frustrated crying jags because damn it, I was in New York and it was summer and I wanted to get the most out of it so bad, but I just couldn't get there. (Monday is my epilepsy clinic appointment, so maybe I'll at least START to get some answers.) And while the electricity mostly cooperated, it was in and out, which made the whole thing kind of stressful.

Still, it was New York Fucking City. Hard for it NOT to be awesome.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Veronica Mars

This is something I've wanted to write about in here for quite a long time - one of my absolute favorite TV shows, Veronica Mars. Is this a review? An endorsement? A ridiculous ramble? Yes. Yes to all.

No doubt my rank of "favorite TV shows" has some serious competition. Sex and the City gives me the most pleasure. Queer as Folk gets me the most engrossed and draws the most tears. Twin Peaks is the most fascinating and stunningly constructed, Arrested Development makes me laugh the most, and House...well, my feelings about that show need a whole series of posts of their own. But this show unquestionably has my heart.

The show is about teen PI Veronica Mars, played to perfection by Kristen Bell. While the ensemble cast is, at least up until the third season, uniformly great, the entire show hinges on Veronica in a way I've only ever seen on House. All the humor, heartbreak, drama, thrills, heart, and soul - and there is a great deal of all - is tied up in Veronica. Veronica herself has been through hells that few teenagers, let alone the kinds TV shows are made about, can imagine. In the year before the show starts, her best friend was brutally murdered; her dad, the sheriff, accused her wealthy and powerful father of the murder, making Veronica into the social pariah to end all social pariahs and getting her father eventually kicked out of office. Her mother abandons the family, and after attending a party, Pretty in Pink style, "to show them they haven't broken me," Veronica is raped, to which the local law enforcement does nothing.

Here is Bell as Veronica.



The really fascinating thing about Veronica, though, is how little that previous paragraph actually sums up about her character. Veronica is bitter, whip-smart, savvy, sexy, and a perky, petite, blonde, straight-A student who dresses like a West Coast preppy girl. She has a cutting quip for every single situation and she will ruin your life if you cross her. She is intensely, fiercely loyal, hilarious, and utterly adorable.

Another interesting thing is how, over the course of the first two seasons, we see just how many allies Veronica does have, and how she brings other loners into her life. Her compassionate, protective dad with whom she is allied against the world; Wallace, the laid-back, basketball genius new kid, who quickly becomes her best friend; a hot-and-cold ex-boyfriend, Duncan, who would obviously still do anything in the world for her; Mac, a funky, deadpan computer geek and fellow outsider; Meg, one of the few popular rich girls who still treats Veronica like a human being; Leo, a sweet rookie cop who adores her; Eli "Weevil" Navarro, the motorcycle gang leader and juvenile delinquent who loves his grandma and has some of the funniest, wittiest lines of the show; and, increasingly, Logan Echolls, the troubled, destructive rich kid who lives and breathes for Veronica.

I have a great deal more to say about Logan (and the other characters, but Logan especially), but that'll have to wait. This is Veronica's moment.

Bell with Enrico Colantoni, who plays her father, Keith Mars:



(They're not always this sickeningly adorable together, but they often are.)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

The kittens have officially been named: Duncan and Mabel. Huzzah! Not very exciting names - I do kinda still wish we'd ended up going with themed ones - but they seem to fit the little critters really well and I'm just glad we settled on SOMETHING, finally.

(Because I know y'all were totally wondering.)

The health stuff hasn't been great - I threw up at work yesterday - but all my tests were normal and nothing drastic or terrible has taken place, so I guess it's been pretty consistently not-bad. I don't even know what the hell the nausea is all about. My mom and I hypothesized lactose intolerance, maybe, since dairy has been making me queasy more and more for the past few years, but who the hell knows. My digestive system has never worked particularly well, and lately less than ever.

The weather has been fantastic, though - 70s and sunny, mostly, not too hot (a good thing for my delicate little flower constitution, right?) Wow, I'm actually writing about the weather on my blog. How boring is my life?

In other, happier news, I got the Sims 3. Huzzah! Those of you who know me well know what a simming addict I am - I've been playing it since the first one came out, when I was 10 or so - so this is an exciting prospect in my life. :) It's...kind of strange, and definitely different, but hey, it's a shiny new toy and I'm really enjoying being super-absorbed in something again. It's been a while.

Going to New York next week and I can't freaking wait. I'll get to see my brother since he's coming up for the weekend, which is always fabulous, AND I'll get to be there for Pride which will be SERIOUSLY F'ING FABULOUS. I've actually never been to a Pride parade before (what a bad hag am I), and New York City pride, of all the things, will be amazing, I'm sure. So that will be exciting, and something to blog about as well.

Till next time!

Friday, June 5, 2009

Well, it's Friday, and at the risk of sounding corny, thank God for that. This week wasn't nearly as disastrous health-wise as last week, but it was still LONG, what with the chest pain and fatigue and nausea that are still very much present. Had an MRI on Monday (which was confirmed to be fine - apparently I have no tumors, lesions, aneurysms or any other such things on my brain - hooray for that), and an echocardiogram, the results for which I am still waiting...along with the results from my heart monitor that I had on for 24 hours last week.

So, yeah. I'm tired. And a little bit cranky, to be perfectly honest. There is nothing I want more right now than to be curled up in my bed, asleep.

The kittens are still awesomely kitteny and kitteningly awesome. We still haven't named them definitively, although it looks like the girl will be named Mabel (the frontrunning name from Day 1), and we're leaning towards Duncan for the boy at the moment. It was harder to get a handle on what he should be named...the girl just seemed like a Mabel from the very beginning. Boy kitty (Duncan?) is the neediest, most affection-desperate little critter I've ever seen, and we have a history of VERY codependent animals at my home. He sometimes runs after me screaming as though his little cat heart has been broken, holding up his arms to be picked up - and then immediately starts nuzzling my face and licking my nose once I do. Mabel is very needy as well, although not as bad as her brother.

They are also RAVENOUS EATERS and will eat everything in sight. Here is what they have stolen off my plate so far:
Chicken
Whole grain pasta
Red beans
Ranch dressing
Cheese
Onions
Spinach
Apples
Milk, half & half, etc.
Apple juice
Popcorn

FREAKING RIDICULOUS. What kind of cats go crazy over eating FRUITS AND VEGETABLES? They are CRAZY.

My mother and I have also discovered that we seriously need a hobby. I can't work out until my chest inflammation business gets better - even walking up stairs can be really painful right now - so that's out. We don't do crafts or make stuff, and reading can get tiresome and antisocial if we do it all the time. So we kind of don't know what to do with ourselves for awhile. As for writing...yeah, well, my muse has flown the coop the past few months. She's off in the distance laughing at me somewhere.

Suggestions of hobbies for non-crafty, somewhat inactive people?